The Horrifically Embarrassing

j0405208.jpgSo I’ve been completely remiss in posting.  I could give you a myriad of excuses.  But alas, thats all they would be… excuses. 

I should be one of these people who make time for things they enjoy.   I happen to be one of those people who think about the things I enjoy, and am always doing the things I detest.

 So, despite my lenghthy absence, I want my re-emergance to blogging to be on a low note (yes – I know it should say a “high note”, but trust me  – keep reading, you’ll soon get the picture).

 Let’s do some catching up first:

1) I recently recieved court ordered custody of my adorable 18 month-0ld nephew.

2) I’ve had no sleep since recieving said custody of adorable child.

3) I have been thrust into the world of figuring out how to become a foster parent (in order to legitimatize said custody of adorable child who causes me to have no sleep.)

 One step in becoming a foster parent is getting a physical. 

Now, if you’ve read my previous post, On Being A Weight Watchers Flunky, you know that I’m not the crowning example of physical fitness.  But that aside, I had no choice – and I couldn’t imagine that a few extra pounds (okay – more that a “few”.  Don’t be so judgemental  – I’m working on it !) would keep me from parenting my nephew.

So, this past Monday, I walked into the doctor’s office. Continue Reading »

j0399288.jpgI. HATE. SCALES.

For the past few years they’ve told me nothing but bad news.  Occasionally, they’ll give some small ray of hope – only to snatch it back on the next visit.  They’re intrinsically evil.

 Every once in a while I’ll try to reason with the scale.  I’ll say things like –

Listen – here’s what I’ll do – I’ll go to the gym all this week.  I’ll even give up the sausage and eggs for breakfast on Tuesday, and Thursday.

 (Monday’s don’t count because it’s a depressing day and I need something to cheer me up.  Wednesdays don’t count because they’re a reward for surviving Monday & Tuesday – and Friday doesn’t count, well… because it’s Friday).

So inevitably I go into this bargain, believing that if I hold up my end, the scale will hold up its part.


Continue Reading »

j01779461.jpgI’ve just returned from a bruncheon attended by women from my church.  So much fun ! Anyway, I was in charge of bringing the muffins.  Really an exciting task for me, because I have the BEST muffin recipe thats been lurking around my family cookbooks for years.  Very simple, very delicious – and because of that – not the healthiest.  But don’t let that dissuade you.  Ever Everyone deserves a treat every once in a while.  In our family, these muffins show up at Thanksgiving (I know –  muffins at Thanksgiving?  you may ask.  I don’t get it either – family traditions are unexplainable).  Try it out, I promise they won’t disappoint:

  1. 1 Package Jiffy corn muffin mix
  2. 1 egg
  3. 1/3 cup of whole milk
  4. 1/2 cup of fresh sour cream
  5. 1/2 cup of grated cheddar cheese
  6. 1/2 cup of creamed corn

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.  Mix all the ingredients together in a large bowl (batter will be lumpy).  Scoop mixture into muffin tins.  Cook for 15-20 minutes.  Let cool (will be considerably hot !) for 5 minutes.

Yields 6 muffins.

 Now I’d like to point out that I’ve been conservative in my estimates of those “good” ingredients (i.e., sour cream, cheddar).  Feel free to up the sour cream by another 1/3 cup if you’re daring ;o).  Makes muffins nice and moist !

Monsters in My Basement

j01850472.jpgMy husband has announced that he’s going camping -I am, obviously, filled with dread.  I have this thing about being alone in the house.  Mind you I’m not technically alone – my 7 year old is with me.  But by alone I mean “without the comfort of an adult who knows how to shoot a gun and/or fight intruders.” 

I unforturnately can do none of those things (and neither can my 7 year old).  I’ve had bad experiences being home alone.  

A few years ago my husband was working graveyard shifts, and I – to avoid being home alone – spent most of my time at my mother’s house.  One Friday, after spending most of the evening in my mother’s company, decided to be a “big girl”, pack it up and go home…at midnight (my 1st mistake).  

Thirty minutes later finds me walking through my front door (turning on every light – because for some unrational reason it makes me feel safer), and I notice something strange… The outside door that leads to my backyard is wide open. A million things beginning spinning round my mind.  It’s midnight – how long has the door been open?  Do I see anything visbly missing from the house?  Why didn’t I invest in an alarm system? and of course… Is HE still here??? 

Continue Reading »

Extermination of a Species

j0405002.jpgSo what’s the deal with flies? I mean – what’s their function exactly? 

Just to give you some background – I hate flies.  I know, I know – we all hate flies.  But I really hate them.  I may even take a small amount of sadistic pleaure in ridding them from the planet (nothing clinical -but definetly not normal). 

Come summer, my fly swatter and my water bottle are my constant companions.  I keep the swatter near because I literally cannot have a fly in the house.  Once I’ve become cognizant of one, I become the hunter.  I stalk. 

I move slowly (so not to disturb the “nemesis”), and I creep my way to it’s resting spot.  I raise my swatter in the air (all the while calculating the speed and force with which I should employ in order to sucessfully kill this pest), and in one swoop I bring my hand down and… miss spectacularily. 

Nemesis takes off, and I stand perfectly still – only shifting my eyes to track the its movements – waiting for it to land in another opportune spot.  It goes on for hours.  I’m crippled until the fly is dead.  I can’t think, I can’t sit still (for fear that it will come buzzing by my ear – THE WORST OFFENCE), my whole day is in shambles. 

But now I’ve become philosophical about this…You really out to know your enemy before going into battle.  So here we are – what is a flies occupation?  Continue Reading »

Reasonable Doubt

j0387190.jpgThis is a short story I wrote in late 2006.  I entered into a writing contest that was recommended to me by a friend.  The jist of it was that each contestant was to take the 1st line of a published work of fiction (a list of sentences was provided), and create a short mystery story around it.  I wrote this one in about an hour, and spent another hour doing revisions.  It’s far from perfect (umm… probably the reason I didn’t win)- but, it’s at the very least, readable.

Continue Reading »